Humoresque
by Lonely Anomaly
Summary: Saix is in trouble, Axel is bored, Vexen is confused. YAOI. XemSai/AkuRoku/AkuDemy in later chapters/MarluxiaVexen. Rated M. Review Please. Rated M for Violence, adult situations, and Xigbar. :P
1. In Which Saix is Late

Humoresque

By: Lonely Anomaly.

Chapter one: In which Saix is late.

Saix was late. _Really_ late. So late, that he actually strolled past Axel's room and Axel was _awake._

Not that there was time in Castle Oblivion, just Circadian Rhythms. And if you were late on your own Circadian Rhythm, you truly were _late._

Saix quickened his pace. The Superior was going to pissed if his second in charge was late, which he was. He groaned, but quickly shut himself up when he heard footsteps clacking lackadaisically behind him. Saix rounded the corridor, trying to make an escape before the intruder noticed.

Saix listened to the footsteps carefully. _Organization boots._ He reasoned. Why would someone in the Organization follow him? Who would be so cavilier as to…oh no…

"Sup, Fangfwace." Axel said, his mouth (big) stuffed with a toothbrush, bubbles escaping his oral cavity and dripping down his chin and onto the floor. Saix cringed visably. Axel smoothed his bedheaded already insane hair. He yawned, more soap dribbling down his face.

Axel swallowed the toothpaste and Saix cringed again. At this rate, he was going to be sick… The Diviner quickly gathered his demeanor and stared coldly at the redhead.

"Where are you supposed to be XIII?" He droned. Axel was unfazed by the stern voice.

"None ya business, Scarface." Axel waved his hand languidly. Saix knew Axel was just looking for a fight, a nice morning scuffle, but he didn't feel like satisfying that want just yet.

But taunting never hurt, right?

"Do you want a pair to match?"

"A pair of what?"

"Scars."

"Let's find out."

Saix was forced to draw his claymore. It glinted in the artificial light creating a menacing effect. Fire from Axel's chakrams erupted, making the air unbearably hot. Axel, always impulsive, struck first, but Saix dodged it, retaliating with a blow to the stomach.

Axel grunted but decided to grin and bear it, much to Saix's dismay. The redhead growled, stepping around Saix to deliver a blow to his side, but Saix leaped out of the way, and the chakram became rammed in the solid wall, its glory now completely undignified.

Saix was about to finish him off when a voice came through the intercom.

"Number VII, Number VIII, what do you think you're doing?"

The velvety voice dripped with sardonic power. That omniscience, that omnipotence had to be…Oh no. The Su-

"Saix, my office. Demyx. You know what to do."

And suddenly the aforementioned portaled throught the wall, a façade of water clones appearing before the fire mage's eyes. The Nocturne smiled them maliciously.

"My pleasure."

Axel whimpered. Not the water…

* * *

A/N: First chappie! Review or don't I don't care. I write for fun. But review please! I want constructive criticism.

Disclaimer: Sora would be dead. Nuff said.


	2. In Which Saix is Punished

Humoresque

Chapter Two- In which Saix is Punished.

* * *

Saix was trying to stay calm, but he was freaking out on the inside. Xemnas only called Demyx on Axel when he was pissed or extremely bored. If he did that to Axel, he couldn't imagine what he'd do to him. He almost whimpered.

Slowly and hesitantly, Saix knocked on the door.

Nothing.

"Superior?"

Nothing.

"Supe-"

"Saix, come in." The deep voice beckoned.

_First name basis? I thought he was mad…_ Saix thought. He stepped into the dimly lit office with trepidation.

"Superior?"

Xemnas' office was dim, formal, and cozy with an intoxicating but austere presence only the Enigmatic Man could emit. Few people were allowed in, but he was.

Saix's heart-er-unheart… jumped. It'd been happening to him lately quite often when he saw his Superior. Perhaps he should go see Vexen…

"Have a seat VII."

Saix sighed, back to seven…

Xemnas cut to the chase his amber eyes staring at Saix with an all-enveloping presence.

"Saix, why did you attack Axel?" He cocked a silver eyebrow.

"Try to understand Superior, it was insuborination."

Xemnas sighed, expecting Saix's reaction. He tried a different approach. He wanted to know Number VII's opinion on him. He planned to take drastic measures if necessary.

"Saix, I'm not mad at you, so don't get the wrong impression."

Hearing the velvety voice becoming so soft and kind, and directed toward him made Saix's once sturdy knees begin to buckle.

"Then why am I here?" Saix managed to reply in his usual stoic tone, despite the turmoil occurring inside of him.

"What, we can't just chat?" Xemnas feigned offense and jumped out of his chair in a fluid and flourishing motion; like a professional routine.

Xemnas folded his hands behind his back and paced languidly around his desk and Saix. Saix started to demonstrate some panic in his facial features, but his demeanor miraculously remained intact.

Xemnas was close. Too close.

Saix found that Xemnas radiated heat. No-not heat. Presence. _Tangibility._ His unheart beat faster and faster, eyes locked and focused on the Enigmatic Man.

"Saix, You do know that you are my right hand man, my vice president…" Xemnas slapped Saix's back like an old friend, letting his arm droop around his shoulder.

"…My buddy."

Saix was sweating now, the warmth and comfort of this superior's arm unbearable, heavy-feeling, feeling every second his fingers drummed lightly on Saix's shoulder; lingering ever so slightly.

Of course the event lasted only a split second or two, but for Saix, time slowed; His mind couldn't function coherently. Xemnas was doing this to him, letting his touch last just a little longer. He felt Saix inhale sharply. Xemnas smiled darkly.

"Am I right?"

"You are. Your point though?"

Saix could only register the feeling of sadness when Xemnas pulled his arm away. The space it once lingered suddenly felt cold.

Xemnas turned away from his subordinate and paused to think for a minute. Saix, yearning for Xemnas' touch watched his hand, hypnotized by their motions. Time started to come to a halt once more. Saix cursed himself for thinking like this. Of course his Superior wouldn't want-

Saix's conscious ponderings were cut off when The Enigmatic Man jerked around and suddenly grabbed Saix by the chin. His nonexistant pulse quickened intensely, his chest feeling like it was about to implode. But Saix relaxed, and Xemnas loosened his grip but only slightly.

"My point is…"

Xemnas cavalierly brushed a lock of surprisingly soft bluenette hair from the Diviner's pallid face, staring into his wide eyes-searching them. Saix sharply inhaled, looking at the beautiful man. He just wanted to grab him and-

"Saix."

Xemnas brought his face close his breath tickling Saix's lips.

"My point is… why do we have to be so formal, so…distant?"

Saix always harboured something special, no odd, for his Superior. Pleasant things, but Saix merely brushed it off as extreme admiration. But recently, those feelings became more frequent, more intense. Certainly more unbearable.

"W-we don't seem distant." Saix studdered.

The silver-haired man smiled saccrinely.

"Yes, that is true." Xemnas said offhandedly, stepping forward; the action acting as a catalyst to get Saix to back up against the wall. Xemnas continued his harsh grip now softened as he cupped Saix's jaw with both hands carefully.

"But not as close as I want to be.." He whispered, his hands moved to block all possible escape. Not that Saix wanted to escape, just to understand his er, nobody feelings.

Saix felt strange, so alien. He _wanted_ his Superior. He wanted to feel his Superior. Lustful, almost. And said Superior wanted to feel him, the lust equal.

These senses overwhelmed Saix and due to their-er-compromising position, it seemed that all his blood rushed to his pants. Saix groaned embarrassed at the reactions his body was making to the situation. Xemnas noticed, and casually brushed his thigh against Saix making him moan- testing the waters. Xemnas smiled.

"Tsk Tsk. Now this is certainly not good, we're going to have to fix you. You look quite ill."

Xemnas' hand trailed from Saix's cheek, down his body to the inside of his leg. He carressed the skin gently.

"Xemnas!" Saix gasped in spite of himself; he was very aroused. Xemnas continued his previous administrations-fondling him gently, making Saix pant heavily, his hands once pinned to the wall gripped the other man's back.

The Superior made tantalizing clicking sounds in the back of his throat all the while tracing Saix's member through his clothes with gloved hands. Saix bucked.

"X-Xemnas!" He shouted, causing waves of anticipation up the other's spine. He let his eight fall on Saix supporting himself on the knee between Saix's legs, supporting the bluenette with his arms.

Saix never felt so wanton.

Not even the time when Larxene was bored and stripped in front of him. Not even when Axel and the others would watch those god-awful movies, not even when he heard Zexion get very turned on in his sleep. (He could be quite sensual.)

But Xemnas had him hot and bothered, on his goddamn _knees._ He whispered into the crook of the Diviner's neck.

"Sssaix."

He wrapped his arms around the bluenette's waist. Xemnas crooned his name again.

"My Diviner. You are so beautiful when you're like this, craving. No one is worthy of your beauty. No one besides me. Saix. Beautiful Sssaix…"

Xemnas sucked on the other's neck softly, making suckling noises. Saix made a plethora of noises, each more sensual than the last. He felt a lot at that time, as much as a Nobody could feel. He felt shame. He felt pleasure. He felt something like love. But most of all, he felt Xemnas. Xemnas his friend. Xemnas his leader. Xemnas his savior. Xemnas his hero. And now, Xemnas his lover.

Could he dub him a lover? Under the current circumstances, he supposed he was. If Nobodies had no hearts, then why? Why were they here doing this and _feeling_ from it? This was real, this office, this time, everything was real. Kingdom Hearts was real, outside the window it smiled down on them like an old Grandfather watching his grandchildren chastely kiss someone they loved. It was purely idyllic.

Saix had a gut feeling. That one day he and Xemnas would be together like this, ever since the man found him and he joined the Organization. But was it a gut feeling or a hope?

Saix knew it was a feeling, which contradicted their existance parallely. But he had no idea it was love or anything close.

But yet, here he was, pinned to the wall in his Superior's office by Xemnas himself.

"Beautiful Saix…" Xemnas murmured into Saix's neck, the pallid flesh turning red from the Superior's ministrations.

Finally, Saix lost it.

He grabbed Xemnas by the chin, a déjà vu to the way Xemnas did to him, and brought his face close, the tables now turned completely.

"Beautiful Xemnas." Saix whispered, and locked his Superior with a kiss. Of course the Enigmatic Man responded. He pinioned Saix to the wall once more and kissed him with fire and desire. Saix opened his mouth, letting Xemnas have his way with it, The mentioned's narrow tongue exploring Saix's mouth, proceeding to lower his hands toward Saix's chest, loosening the hood and undoing the zipper on the famed Organization cloak, its once omnipotent symbolism reduced to being an incompetent nuscience; a roadblock twords the task at hand.

Xemnas marveled at Saix's bare chest, and unceremoniously tossed him over his shoulder and carried him through a portal to a sanguine and white bedroom that just so happened to be his.

"Xemnas!" Saix gasped. Xemnas layed him on the colorless bed, satin cradling his body, and Xemnas came down with him.

"Sssaix." Xemnas whispered, capturing Saix's lips in a deep and warm kiss. Saix panted as Xemnas spread the folds on the robe once more exposing the Diviner's marble skin, trailing hot, open mouthed kisses down his chest, Saix moaning like the beserker he was.

He did so again and gasped as Xemnas moved his moist lips over Saix's left nipple. Saix made terribly animalistic noises and bucked up towards Xemnas, effectively tearing the coat off his Superior, erstwhile breaking the zipper, kissing the skin above his waistline.

"Saix!" Xemnas gasped, desperate. Sooner or later various items of assorted clothing were discarded unceremoniously onto the floor, both getting close to orgasm. Xemnas moved quickly knowing that Saix could come at any minute…

And then, after the painful preparations, with all simplicity, beauty, and passion;

Xemnas made love to Saix.

And in the final throws, Saix said something a Nobody should never _ever_ say:

"X…Xemnas…I love…you!"

"Saix!"

They screamed each other's names as they came.

BORDERTHINGY

A/N: Yay smut! Hope you enjoyed that. You perverts. :) Good things come out of boredom I must say… not my first time physically writing it, but my first time publishing it, so constructive criticism and spelling corrections are welcomed. Also, flames will be used to light bugs and cities. It's my first story posted on , but not my first internet posted story. I'm not going to demand reviews, because I write for fun. But you will get a cookie if you do.

Next chapter is dumb humor, so there's a warning.

TBC..


	3. In Which Axel is Bored

Chapter Three: In which Axel is Bored

* * *

Axel was bored. Which is an catastrophic condition for the certain redhead. Usually, when Axel is bored, he'd simply make Waffle Crisp out of everything. And that _included_ Xemnas and Zexion's stuff...

The pyro sighed, his hair moving in subtle accordance to the gesture. Unfortunately for him, but not anyone else, Castle Oblivion was now flame-retardant since the last Xaldin-dubbed "Axel Incident"

In retaliation, Axel did what Axel did best: Annoy people impulsively. Just as it happens, three unfortunate Nobodies chancely strolled down the long, achromatic hallway. The Flurry smirked, in spite of himself, hiding behind a column on the entrance to the certain corrider.

"And then…I shot him for it!!"

The voice of Xigbar telling another one of his disconcernedly violent stories rung through the empty hall, disturbing the previous silence.

The aforementioned and company (a bored looking Zexion and Roxas) waltzed down the corridor. Axel struggled to come up with some impromptu aggrivating pet/nicknames. He succeded, but not prodigiously. Oh well. It would have to do. The pyro strolled in front of the makeshift party blocking their once peaceful views that did not happen to include obnoxious redheads.

"Hello Patchy the Pirate, Emo, Teddy."

"I am not (insert nickname here)!"

After a frenetic shouting match between the four members, Roxas had the dignity to cock an eyebrow at his friend.

"Teddy, Axel? Come on. You are running dry, my friend." Roxas shook his head, furthermore disheveling blonde hair.

"Hey man, you look like a teddy-bear!" Axel protested.

Xigbar contorted his head at odd angles to get a perspective view of the keyblade weilder. His eyebrows raised comically. Always taking advantage of an opportunity to tease someone.

"Y'know dude, I think Axel's sorta right…"

"Shut up Patchy, you're one to talk." Axel drilled the bit in further. He was a mastermind of annoying. Not nicknames, but annoyance, yes.

Zexion remained silent. Not giving Axel what he wanted.

"Look you bastard, the only reason I have this fucking thing is because you were running with scissors!" Xigbar shouted, finally reacting to the eyepatch comment.

"That's not a fair accusation! Vexen was chasing me!"

"Why?" Roxas dared to ask, knowing he was going to get a rather enlightening response. His expectations were satisfied.

"He just got pissed because I made a trail of paper dolls out of his lab reports…" Axel muttered in false sheepishness. Roxas sighed. Zexion cocked a mauvish eyebrow, his first response yet.

"And what else?" The fifth Nobody ventured, glaring harshlt at the pyro.

"I…sorta blew up his lab…"

"Oh for Christ sakes Axel, why'd you do that?"

Roxas threw his hands up in exasperation, ready to hang his head in sorrow and throw himself at Vexen's feet to apologise for his best friend's actions.

"I was bored." Axel replied bluntly, stunning those around him.

"Geez, when I'm bored, I shoot torpedoes at trees in Twilight Town, or fight with Xaldin and shit like that." Xigbar was kind of miffed because he wasn't the main feature of the conversation anymore.

And in all of this, the two residents most commonly accused of being (quote Xigbar) "Total Faggots" waltzed through a portal summoned only moments ago.

"Dudes!" Demyx shouted, apparently excited about something. Marluxia just grinned.

Axel, as incessant as ever, put his hands to his ears, stuck out his tongue and routinely mocked whoever was near, who just happened to be Demyx.

"DOOD!"

Demyx's grin faded instantly, his face solumn.

"Axel, shut up."

Axel pouted looking remeniscient to a smacked puppy. Demyx's grin appeared soon there after.

"We went to Twilight Town, and Guess what?!"

Zexion perked up instantly. Well, as much as Zexion could perk up. (Meaning his eyes widened a little.)

"You killed Sora?"

"Ha!" Marluxia laughed, then turned suddenly stoic. "No."

"Even better!" Demyx started again, his face alight in comical pretense. "We went music shopping, and we got you all stuff!"

Thirteen irregularly shaped bags materialized through its own portal, each brought in by Demyx's Dancer Nobodies.

"Holy Shit." Axel said, then drew a long whistle, obviously gobsmacked by the thirteen bags of Compact Disks.

"I got an iPod." Marluxia said offhandedly. Demyx begun the gratuitous gift giving.

"For Zexion." As soon as the cheap plastic touched his gloves, Zexion was off, scurrying towards his quarters.

"Hey wait up dude!" Xigbar waved after getting his gift, chasing after his 'friend'.

The Nocturne handed Axel his quota.

"Heavy Metal?" The pyro quipped, examining a CD. Demyx frowned.

"Look bitch, it was that or Brittany Spears."

"Ah." Axel uttered, relieved that his world would be temporarily freed from 90's pop idols for a while longer. He then ran off clutching his gift. His missions: Drown his braincells in hardcore Rokk. At the least, he wasn't bored anymore.

Demyx handed Roxas a bag, and before he followed Axel to make sure he didn't break anything, The Graceful Assassin stopped him mid step.

"Roxas, Do you know where" Marluxia took a breath before reciting his list. "The Superior, Saix, Larxene, Vexen, Lexaeus, Xaldin and Luxord went?"

"Well…" Roxas began. "Larxene is on her period watching soap operas and eating magnanimous amounts of sea-salt ice cream; I don't recommend going in there. On her door there's a sign that says 'Do not enter, violators will be castrated."

Marluxia visibly winced. Roxas continued.

"Lexaeus and Luxord are playing poker, Vexen's cooped up in his lab again, Xaldin is in solitary confinement cough the Rubber Room cough so he won't stab anyone, and I really don't know where The Superior and Saix are, but I don't necessaraly _want_ to find Saix."

Marluxia turned. "Thank you, Roxas." He uttered before setting off to other destinations, Demyx in pursuit.

"Wait!" Roxas shouted. "Where are you going?"

"We're finding Saix an' Xemnas!" Demyx replied, as if he was stating the obvious.

"Ah." Roxas acknowledged as he set off once more to find his best friend.

The botanist however was busy wondering if Axel's hair-gel was flame retardant.

BORDERSSUCKASSOMG!

* * *

A/N: This looked longer on notebook paper… I normally don't beg for reviews, but come on! Acknowledge my existance! You are all making me sad! I'm sorry if it sucks…at least tell me, Ne?

More bad humor later…


	4. In Which Tragedy Befalls Xemnas

Chapter Four: In Which Tragedy Befalls Xemnas.

OMG! 8 Reviews for Three chapters!! 3 I looove you guys! :D

Therefore, this chapter is dedicated to those who have reviewed and/or faved! (Keep it up please!) And, I'm dutifully sorry that this is late, because I've spent months writing and plotting and scheming and self-betaing Passages of Naught (Also known to my two best friends as 'The One Thing That Matters In My Life.' It's unhealthy, really. I have a bijillion of chapters of this written out, and so I need to just post them, henceforth I am lazy.. So with out further adeu….

**Humoresque Chapter Four**

Poor Xemnas. Poor Poor Xemnas.

Ergo, Poor Poor Saix. As well as the reason why Demyx and Marluxia couldn't find either nobodies: They were in _hiding._ Well, humiliation really.

"You're kidding. You cannot be serious, Superior," Saix gasped, a little flicker of emotion highlighting his normally stoic face.

"Yes Saix, I am afraid it is true."

"This can't be happening!"

"How are we going to go through with this." Xemnas moaned.

"Holy Kingdom Hearts." Saix breathed.

The worst thing that could ever happen the day of a meeting.

Xemnas's cloak's zipper was broken. _Really_ broken.

It was split, caught on the zipper chain just above the uniform's trousers, and part of it was torn.

"Can't you fix it?!" Saix said exasperated, albeit trying to keep his eyes off of his Superior's chisled body, finding it rather, difficult.

Xemnas sighed.

"It would cost about three thousand munny."

"Fine. Saix said, portaling to his room before Xemnas was done explaining, and returned with his piggybank. "Fine." Said he.

"…And take about three days."

Saix's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, his hands dropped, smashing the piggybank which, considently had about _three_ munny in it. Saix mentally slapped himself. He should have just looked in his wallet. Finally…

"Three…Days…!" He exclaimed in a panicked voice barely above a whisper. "What about your spares?" Saix was quickly becoming desperate.

"I sent them for dry cleaning."

"Xemnas!" Saix was now thoroughly horrified.

"We could borrow a cloak from another member!"

"No can do, Superior. You see, you are the tallest member of the Organization second only to Axel who's rail-thin. Also you're more…muscled…" Saix was blushing now.

"I get it, Saix." He mumbled.

"You'll have to go all day like that!"

"I'm afraid so." Mumbled Xemnas, dejected and freaked out. This was a meeting he could not miss. The building of the new hedquarters was too important not to discuss…

Something caught Xemnas's eyes, snapping him out of his reverie.

"Saix, have you looked in the mirror lately…"

"No, why?" He asked running to the Superiors lavish bathroom SURROUNDED in mirrors to see. Sooner footsteps were replaced with a horrified shreak.

"HOLY SHIT XEMNAS!"

"Heh, heh.." Squeaked Xemnas.

"I'M COVERED IN GODDAMN HICKIES!"

"You don't have to put it so crudely, you know," Xemnas mumbled.

Saix's rampaging through his room trying to find a scarf put Xemnas into silence, as he watched the Berserker go, well, Berserk.

"This can't be happening." He groaned.

Saix, now tighting a rather western-style bandanna around his neck whispered.

"We must endure…"

"The organization meeting."

"Shit…"

**2 hours later**

The meeting room was filled with an awkward silence that almost everyone found to be the best way to proceed with the meeting, completely ignoring Xemnas's half nakedness and Saix's odd attire, until, well…

Axel came in (late).

Now, the room with all the big chairs that moved up and down based on failure, was closed down when Demyx's chair decided to play 'Twilight Zone Tower of Terror' without seatbelts and creepy doormen. That's why. The Nobody slaves of Vexen, and the clones of Zexion were in there trying to repair it as quickly as possible.

Until then, they were in a little white room with a big white table and thirteen little white chairs and thirteen non-monochromatic, very awkward-fied Nobodies.

Anyways, the Flurry of Dancing Flames waltzed into the room, whistling a tune, but stopped and said the worst possible thing.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?" He addressed Xemnas.

Roxas, along with everyone else in the room, visably winced.

Apparently, (except to Axel) everyone was avoiding the question out of a fear that they all shared: A fear of getting light sabered to death.

Xemnas sent the renegade a look that could freeze liquid mercury on spot. That was Vexen's job, and his eyes were none too warm as well.

But Axel, so wrapped up in what could have caused such visible distress in numbers I and VII, just didn't catch on. So he had to continue to speak due to the annoying silence in the room.

"I mean, you look well, shitfaced."

"Number Eight. Sit. Down." The Superior said through gritted teeth.

"I mean seriousl-"

"AXEL SHUT UP!" Roxas screamed desperately.

Axel complied, stunned by his quiet Roxy's little outburst.

Xemnas made a makeshift attempt to get things rolling with the meeting.

"Now that we are all present, let us talk about the issue at hand.."

"Lack of budget?" Asked Demyx.

"Lack of women?" Said Xigbar.

Larxene glared daggers with her eyes.

"C'mon, Larxene," Xigbar started. "Not that you're not womenly or anything, you could just put out more y'know?"

Luxord chuckled. Xigbar bellowed at his own joke. Larxene growled. The men laughed some more. Finally, Larxene lost it, stood up, knocked both men out of their chairs, and castrated them in a most violent fashion.

After Larxene sat down satisfied, the meeting continued.

"Larxene…" Zexion muttered, but was cut off by Xaldin.

"Hey Larx! Get Axel while you're at it!"

Axel shrinked in his chair.

"ENOUGH!" Xemnas bellowed, making everyone jump in their seats. Roxas screamed rather girlishly.

Saix jumped causing the bandanna to flitter to the floor.

Saix just stared, mortified.

"Hey Fangface, are those _bitemarks?!" _Said Axel.

Saix froze. Xigbar, who was actually getting quite angry at the redhead manipulated the space under his chair, causing him to fall into the basement.

Roxas was relieved that no further damage would be done to the Superior's and 'Scary Number Seven's' bad moods. Xemnas was equally pleased, and promised Xigbar a steak for his trouble.

The meeting wient on normally, everyone ignoring Axel's cries of "You shitheads!" From under the floorboards.

**A/N: Yay, humor!! This is cowritten by my Friend Savanna, who is the Axel of our upcoming freshmen class's Organization Thirteen. Therefore, we were rather satisfied with the outcome. Also, she's the beta. BLAME HER. Also, she is not he beta for P.O.N. claiming 'the almighty Zexion will not let her humble best friend touch the almighty Great American Fanfiction.' I laughed, because fanfiction is **_**so **_**not noble in its endevours. **

**That said, **

**Review please! Or Fave, or Story Alert! I don't care! I've stopped checking my stats page. You all have driven me to so!**


	5. In Which Saix is Visited by Vexen

Humoresque Chapter Five.

**Author's notes: People seem to like this, so I'll keep writing it. For Savanna this time, because she pwns.**

Two Hour's After The Meeting

"Hey, Boss!"

"What Xigbar?" An exasperated Xemnas scowled, his chest _still_ hanging out of his jacket, looking rather…whorish.

"What _did_ happen to you, dude?"

"None of your business," The Superior growled, walking away from Number Two in a way that could only be described as 'stomping'. He was halfway down the corridor when another pestering nobody strolled in the same general direction as the ill-fated leader of Organization XIII.

"Rough night, mate?" Luxord smirked. "We had bets going, you know," He said, counting money in his right hand and shuffling cards in his left.

Xemnas growled and sent two Dusks on him. Luxord without blinking summoned his Gamblers to finish them off, still following poor Xemnas.

"Just to make sure I won the bet," He smiled a shit-eating grin. "Did you finally get with Larxene?"

"No. Please leave my bodily vicinity," Xemnas bit.

"Personal bubble, eh? C'mon Cricket, you didn't have a problem with that last night," He smirked as Xigbar portaled his head out of the top of the ceiling, walking with them execpt upside down.

"Well Boss? Who'd you shag?" Xigbar umphed as his lower half of his body hit a bookshelf, books tumbling all over his legs. He winced when a particularly large tome hit him on the buttocks. "Ohhhh, Zexy is so not going to be happy with this." But yet, he continued.

"I didn't _shag _anyone! I had a…bad fight with a heartless." Lies. Lies were good.

"Whatever you say, Boss," Luxord shrugged, summoning a rather well placed Portal of Darkness ™, leaving the Bossman with Xigbar who, when he heard the pitter patter of what he called 'Angry Zexy Footsteps'™ He stepped into it, giving Xemnas a brief wave and a smirk. Oh, was Larxene gonna hear about this.

Pause.

"Dammit," Xemnas swore, summoning a portal of his own, hoping he didn't meet with the resident dipshits in the corridor of darkness.

And where was Saix all this time? Well, it's a funny story, actually….

--Break—

Chapter Five Part Two.

Saix sat in his big windowed room, staring at Kingdom Hearts in a state of zen, Emo music blaring through his wall speakers. Ever since Demyx bought him the CDs, he's been cooped up in angsty bliss. Also, he scurried out of the meeting before anyone but Axel saw the love bites his Superior gave him last night.

Xemnas…

Oh! The chorus!

"CRAWLIIIINNG IN MY SKIIIIN! THESE WOUUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEALLLL-"

"Saix!" The door slammed open, and a very disheveled Vexen barged in, looking well… disheveled. Saix cocked an eyebrow.

"The asylum finally let you go?" He ventured, lounging onto his back.

"Very funny," Vexen retorted, a smile playing upon his lips. "This is serious."

Saix sat up. The fact that Vexen was abroad made things serious.

"What is it, Vexen?"

"Where's the Superior?!"

Saix's eyes widened considerably.

"Why?"

"Its about hearts!"

"What?" Saix whispered in sudden intrigue.

Xemnas portaled behind him.

"What about hearts?" He said darkly, mostly for the purpose of making Vexen piss his pants. The Superior was just spiteful that way.

"Feelings! Don't come from the heart! They come from-"

"The brain, yes Vexen. We know. Its just that we've lost our metaphorical hearts, therefore-"

"No, you big fat imbicile! Listen! You all…You've lost the part of your brain that allows you to feel!"

"We know, Vexen!"

"I'm not done yet! However, some members, after looking at the monthly CAT scan images, are starting to develop that region of the brain."

"Assemble the others." Xemnas ordered.

"No way," Saix breathed. He did so wish he was one of the ones with their brain being fixed.

"I'm not your bitch," Vexen mumbled.

"You are, until I say you're not," Xemnas said none too lightly.

"Yes sir." Vexen said submissively, chanting voodoo death threats under his breath as he left.

They were all alone.

"Saix…" Xemnas whispered seductively.

"Superior?" He deadpanned, as usual.

"We do have some time before the meeting…" Smile. Saix caught on.

"Do we now?" Saix smirked, leaning in to sink into his Superior's arms. Xemnas attacking him with a forceful, powerful kiss.

The two toppled to the floor.

--break—

**Author's Notes:**

**If you haven't read **_**How I Paid for College**_** by The Writer Triumphant. Do so. Now. Anyways, hint- there will be some AkuRoku fluffies in the next chapter, so be happy!! For some reason, that pairing is very hard to write, so it has been pawned off on Savanna teh coauthor. (pwned, pwned, pwned) If any of you caught the allution to the Ansem Retort in there. You have as much freetime as I do. **


	6. In Which The Mood is Lost

Chapter Six

**Chapter Six. **

Roxas sighed.

He sighed again.

…and yet a third time, he sighs!

His friend was getting in too much trouble lately. The redhead had dicipline issues like woah, and mad ego issues. But Roxas liked (read: tolerated) him just the same. Roxas stumbled.

The reason he stumbled was before the search for his friend he had seven shots of whiskey with Lexaeus and Xaldin (as some sort of initiation). Luckily for Roxas, he had a moderate tolerance for alcohol. High tolerance meaning he doesn't wobble or slur his speech, but he is basically braindead as a toaster.

Not only stupid braindead, but impulsive, volitle braindead.

Needless to say, Roxas is very good at parties.

Roxas groaned, rubbing his temples pissed off at his stupid friend for getting in these sort of predicament, and suddenly the quiet was interrupted by:

"I'M GONNA BURN THE MOTHERFUCKING PLACE MOTHERFUCKING DOWN IF YOU DON'T MOTHERFUCKING LET ME OUT MOTHERFUCKERS!!"

Roxas, has apperantly found Axel..

The thirteenth Nobody portled into the basement where his favourite redhead was located.

The second he gets down there….

"Roxie!" glomp

Roxas noted that Axel was warm…and drunk, volitle Roxas was on the floor playing tonsil hockey with his best friend.

"M, Roxas! Stop!" Axel yelled into Roxas' mouth. Roxas just continued. And Axel sorta gave out and thought 'He'll stop eventually, and hey! Free makeout!' Roxas moaned. Axel was enjoying his time with the very drunk Roxas, to say the least. Roxas gripped the man tighter starting to pant, wanting him badly. Axel stopped. Making out was fine, and Axel admitted more than once to himself that he had feelings for his young subordinate, but as well he promised to himself, that with their seven year age difference…

He would not be the one to steal Roxas' virtue.

Axel felt it would kill him inside.

So with those thoughts, Axel pushed Roxas off of him.

Roxas wimpered slightly.

"H-huh?"

"Sorry, buddy. I'm just too hot for you," Axel said, portaling outside.

Roxas rubbed his now sore head.

"Ugh, what the hell just happened?"

Roxas turned around.

"Axel? You there?"

He blinked.

"Axel?"

He was alone, in the basement.

"Dammit!"

--break--

Chapter Six part two.

The chilling night air blew gently on Axel's pallid sharp features. The thorny gardens outside of the Castle that Never Was were nothing compared to the ones in their temporary headquarters, Castle Oblivion. The thory gardens outside of Castle Oblivion gave most a sense of weakness, a feeling of being trapped. (Kudos to the resident botanist.)

Axel merely sighed, his lean figure perched languidly on a tall sturdy leafless tree, the wind tickling his hair.

"The night sky is quite nice," He said to nobody in particular, a lonely look in his veridian eyes. Axel chuckled cynically.

"I'm really going crazy, talking to myself," He sighed.

A portal of darkness opened up behind him.

"I don't think you're crazy," Larxene's voice said, as the giggle unraveled when she sat next to Axel on the tree. Axel was unfazed.

"That's good to know," He said offhandedly.

Larxene chuckled gaudily. "What's wrong with you Axel,_ baby,_ Have a hard day?"

"Don't mock me," He mumbled, an empty threat.

Larxene paced on the air around Axel giggling as she went.

"I'm not mocking you." She said as she kneeled behind Axel, wrapping her thin arms around his shoulders from behind. Everything she did intoned mockery. She leaned forward so her face was even with Axel's.

"I'm just offering a friend some condolence."

"You're no friend of mine," Axel spat.

"Hmm," Larxene placed a kiss on Axel's cheek, just to be insinuous.

"I'll wait if you want to talk," She spat coldly, followed by a giggle.

"Stupid whore," Axel muttered under his breath. He pouted, pulling his knees to his chest.

A shadow heartless sat and crawled beside him, drawn to the darkness that radiated off his person. Axel looked at it blankly.

"I just want to be alone, y'know?"

"Squwak," Said the heartless.

"You wouldn't know." Axel sighed, and the pair sat in contented silence, until the Heartless scurried off to do things like causing death to innocent hearts. Axel, however, contiued to sit, fidgeting his leg a little here and there. Suddenly, a dusk appeared beside him and transmitted its message to the fire-weilder.

"A meeting? At a time like this?"

The Dusk did not reply, it merely contorted into the darkness.

"Of all the bloody things," Axel grumbled, hopping grandeurly off the tree and setting out, kicking a few Heartless along the way.

--ennui--

Chapter Six part three (In Which the Mood is Lost)

_Meanwhile_

"Aah! Xemnas!" Saix moaned as his superior explored his pale chest with hot, wet, kisses.

Xemnas, who was utterly enthalled, albeit aroused, by the sound let out a throaty sigh.

"I…I want you," Saix choked, his face laced in sweat and pleasure, inbetween steamy kisses. Xemnas smiled, oh Saix was getting close to begging. Saix, who decided to take the liberty of removing whatever clothing Xemnas had on, tried to proceed when…

"I…Can't get it off!" He grunted, pulling the zipper with desperation. It wouldn't budge.

"Go berserk!" Xemnas almost pleaded.

"I can't!"

"Why the fuck not!"

"It's a new moon."

"…"

"…."

"GAH!" Both desperate bunny-men tried their hardest to get the god-forsaken garment of clothing off using all methods of coersion, and none worked.

"C'mon!" Saix yelled, pulling as hard as he could muster. Xemnas, while this was happening stole a look at the clock.

"The meeting." Xemnas sighed in defeat.

"Shit!" Saix snarled, feral.

"What about later?"

"Forget it. The mood is lost," Saix all but weeped.

Both more-than-pissed men departed to the meeting sex-less and irritable.

Damn, things were just getting good..

--break: The meeting--

"Vexen, what is it about hearts?" Lexaeus ventured, offering a rare output of the vocal chords that most believed never were. Vexen shook his head at his old friend.

"Not hearts, but brains. And, we must wait."

"This is pointless!" Marluxia shouted in his deep enigmatic voice. His thought process went something like this:

_This wouldn't happen if I was superior. _

And,

_I need to get laid. _

Marluxia may as well been a faggot, but dammit, he was a _manly_ faggot. Comparitavely like a body builder in a tutu. Scratch that, that's disturbing.

"Who's missing?" Xaldin asked in his usual ennui, tying his dreadlocks together in boredom, his hair becoming a tangle of knots. Xigbar laughed.

"Jeez, Cleopatra, you look like a-"

"Number VII, Number IX, Number XIII, and the Superior are all absent," Zexion reported his polite, but somehow forboding voice drew quiet out of even the most incessant. Maybe it was because you don't mess with a master of brain-fuckery. Or maybe since he never talked, it had to be important. Like that one old show with the horse…

"Number XII is missing as well," Lexaeus noted, nodding at his short companion.

"AXEL. That bumbling idiot!" The aformentioned Twelvth Nobody screeched, venom seething through her teeth and her general demeanor.

Vexen's now brewing experimental thoughts were shortly interrupted by a very hungover, if not still intoxicated Roxas walked, er, stumbled in.

"Nrm," Said Roxas.

Xemnas and Saix teleported to the meeting room, looking sort of disheveled, after successfully tearing the jacket in half, Saix looking very pleased, Xemnas looking whorish as usual. He was only in his pants and boots now.

Xemnas sat at the head of the table (The damn chairs weren't fixed!), Saix beside him, still looking like a puppy who had just gotten a treat.

Marluxia gawked, now realizing that A) Intercourse had just occurred. And, B) Numbers I and VII had absolutely no shame.

Demyx had portaled through the celing looking at the illfated Nobodies in question.

"Oh- O-oh my!" The Melodious Nocturne said blushing. Zexion, for some reason glared daggers at Xemnas, and Xigbar furrowed his brow.

"Sit down you god-forsaken idiot!"

Demyx pouted as he sat down. Zexion's death glare ™ switched perspective to Xigbar. Xigbar looked unfazed. He put up with Ienzo, he could put up with this pissy bitch. They really weren't that different, Zexion and Ienzo, he mused.

Xemnas broke the nosebleed-deathglareing-blushing silence "Vexen, ignore Number XIII and Number VIII. Go, explain your discoveries."

"Hai," He responded absentmindedly in Japanease. Vexen could speak seven different languages fluently. He was just bitch-ninja like that. Zexion could speak eight.

The Chilly Academic mumbled pulling a hologram out of nowhere.

"We have been somewhat mislead. Although hearts contain morals and beliefs, emotions come from a certain part of the brain, I won't go into neurology, due to some of the more simpleminded of the Organization,"

"Hey! Why you lookin' at me?!"

"No reason, Xigbar," Vexen smiled, then continued. "However, we have lost that part of the brain."

Groans.

"Vexen, get the fuck on with it!" Marluxia slammed his fist on the table, roots spurting and latching on the flat surface in his wake.

"Shut up. However, it seems that some members are slowly regaining that sense, that region is filling in."

"Well, Vexen. Who is it?" Asked Xaldin complacently.

"Ahem. It seems, that the most developed parts reside with in Numbers VII, VIII, and IX. No surprise there. Although, the Superior and Number VI are also gaining some back."

Zexion's eyes widened. That was something he didn't expect. Neither did anyone else.

"I can feel," He heard Saix mutter, and observed as he stole a glimpse at his Superior.

Zexion gave a shit-eating grin.

"Zexy! Can you believe it?! We can feel!"

Zexion looked at the Nocturne who was bouncing up and down beside him, his face priceless.

"Only, partially Demyx."

"I dunno about this brain shit," Xigbar stood up. "But I feel pretty damn happy!"

Xaldin broke into a fit of deep giggles. Everyone stared.

After a pause, Zexion tucked his thumb between his chin and said:

"I hate you all."

"Yes, Zexion. We _know._" A chorus said afterwards.

--

**Author's Notes:**

**Thank's for the reviews! Yes, Saix and Xemmy are like bunnies. Also, you can make interesting anagrams of their names. The Whirlwind Lancer had a lot of 'erection' in them, but Saix's and Vexen's were cool. For example, The Chilly Academic anagrammed to 'The Icy Chemical Lad,' 'Eh! Clichéd Calamity,' 'Deathly Chic Malice,' and my favourite: 'Acclaim the Icy Held'. That is **_**so Metal.**_

**The Luna Diviner had amazing anagrams, the best being 'Handle in Virtue', 'The Ruin and Evil', 'True Hand in Evil' (XemSai, ne1?), 'An Evil Dire Hunt,' and my favourite: 'Unveil in Hatred.' **_**So Saix it is uncanny.**_

**The Silent Hero had 'Thirteen Holes' first. Oo. That's accurate.. 'Oh, the Listener,' 'It; he's the loner.' And my favourite: 'Shelter Into He'. **

**  
Anagrams are sometimes amazing, as they often describe a person. Or make them generally irritate. Haha Axl Rose! (Anagram it on an anagram generator. You'll get a pleasant surprise.) and of course: 'Mansex'. Yeah. Long chapter, Ne? Three parts.**

**Read it with 'Muscle Museam' by Muse; you get a better general impression of it. **


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